Lost
by unfold
Summary: General end of season three rewrite, starting at Keg! Max! 'Somewhere between the stairway and that dark, abandoned bedroom, I came unhinged.' Jess[& Rory]. Reviews are always appreciated.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: There will be a second chapter to this one, maybe more than that. I haven't decided. My plan was to write the entire thing and then post it, but I decided to post the first part now. So, yes. Read on.

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Somewhere between the stairway and that dark, abandoned bedroom, I came unhinged. I snapped and this had been building the entire day. I had been poised on the edge of this for hours and it happened then. Maybe while I was climbing the stairs or maybe when I turned the doorknob and looked in to see if it was empty or maybe when I walked away from her with a slight glance to make sure she didn't notice. Whenever it happened, I was left completely out of my mind. Of course, on the outside I remained stoic and indifferent. I had become so good at not letting my exterior give away my interior.

I sat down in a chair by the window and didn't bother turning any of the lights on. I wanted to think and I wanted to be alone. I felt that ever present anger beginning to rise inside of me, welling up in my stomach and climbing up the back of my throat. I felt disappointment somewhere in my chest and an overwhelming sadness throughout my entire body. I had never felt sadness quite like this before. It was all encompassing and it took my body over completely. I closed my eyes tightly, trying to determine the real factor behind these emotions. Was it just that I wasn't graduating? No. Was it just that I would disappoint her? No. It was this: Since I came to that town, I had been a different person. I had been a person I liked. I hadn't hated myself and I hadn't been angry. Now, it was coming back. I was reverting back to who I was when I was living in the city, when I had to numb myself to the neglect of my mother.

The fact was that Luke would send me back to her. I did not want to go back to her. The fact was that Rory would almost definitely break up with me before the summer was through. The fact was I would probably end up leaving without a word. Again.

She found me. I heard her footsteps first and knew it was her. She came through the door and smiled only slightly when she saw me sitting there. She walked over to me and I turned away from her, shielding myself.

She said, "I've been looking all over for you."

I glanced out the window, wanting to be anywhere besides here with her. I was afraid of what I might say to her, what I might do in the state I was currently in. I said, "I just got tired of everything down there." A half truth that slid easily between my lips.

She sat down on the bed across from me and studied my face. I kept it firm and expressionless. I avoided her eyes, because I knew mine would give me away. It was the only flaw in my stony exterior. She got up and came over to the chair, sitting on the arm and touching my face gently. I let myself turn into her palm, her smooth skin against the roughness of my cheek. She smelled clean and I tried to take in as much of that scent as I could before she removed her hand.

"What's going on? You've been weird all night."

I hesitated, took in a breath and contemplated what lie to give her. I opted for the easy lie, "It's nothing."

It didn't work. "Something's wrong. What is it? Tell me." Her voice was thick with a naïve sort of concern. She wasn't begging me to tell her, she was simply gently pleading for me to open up to her.

I bit down on the inside of my cheek and finally let my eyes meet hers. They were wide and intent, staring at my face, trying to read something, anything. I said, "I…It's…" I hated this, stumbling over my words, stuttering to begin sentences. They all seemed like this when I talked to her. I decided to just get it out and get it over with, "I'm not going to graduate this year." When she said nothing in response at first, I added, "I missed too much. Sorry." The apology was anything but sincere. It was there to make her feel better about this.

"Oh." This was the only syllable that fell from her mouth and I watched as her lips formed their circular shape and remained that way long after the word had disappeared into the air. She was no longer looking at me. In fact, her eyes were now distant and staring out the window as mine had been before she came up here.

"I'm…" I stopped and sighed heavily. My hand found her knee and rested on it. I glanced up at her face to gauge her reaction to my touch, but it was still distant. I allowed my thumb to run over her knee, gently grazing over the soft material of her jeans. "I'm probably not going to stay…" She tensed at this and I felt it through her leg. "I mean, Luke's going to kick me out."

She stood up and went back to the bed. I could tell she was going to cry. It was in her eyes and the lines in her forehead and the way she kept looking down at her hands with her mouth slightly open. I hated it. She looked back up and bit her lip lightly as a few tears fell from behind her eyes. The question was simple but it rattled me like a storm. "Jess…Do you…Do you love me?"

I stopped breathing altogether then. My arms and my hands started to tingle like they were falling asleep and soon they felt numb. I wasn't sure why this was happening, but it began occurring throughout my entire body. I could still feel my lips, though, and I said with a slightly shaking voice, "Yes. I love…Shit." This last obscenity tumbled out of my mouth because I started to cry. It just happened. I was suddenly weeping uncontrollably into my hands.

She was back at my side. Her hands were in my hair, massaging my scalp softly. I removed my hands from my face long enough to pull her into my lap. She put her face in the crook of my neck and when I felt the warmth of her breath against my skin, I was sent into another fit of tears. They weren't all for her. They were for my mother, for my father, for myself, for Luke, for the things I did that got me sent here in the first place, for my callousness, for the disappointment I caused everyone I encountered. All of this had been locked up somewhere inside of me and it was now being freed.

I felt her lips press against my neck and shuddered at the wet feeling of it. She lifted her head and placed her hands on either side of my face. She forced me to look at her, but I was so ashamed of the way I was acting that I fought her until she relented and let my face fall back towards my lap. She bent her head down and pressed the top of her head against mine. She said to me in the softest whisper, "It's okay." It didn't mean anything to me at the time. It was just a attempt at calming me down. An attempt that failed as the sound of her voice only sent me further into oblivion.

She resorted to kissing the crown of my head softly, over and over again until I was no longer crying out loud. I was still crying, but they were silent sort of tears. I finally lifted my head to look at her and she kissed me on the mouth. I pulled her against me harder, because it felt good, better than crying, better than being angry, better than all of it.

She pulled back with a smile forming on her lips. "It felt good didn't it?"

"God yes," I said with a low, rough voice, before leaning in to kiss her again.

She stopped me as my lips were reaching out for hers. "No, I meant getting it all out. All of those emotions. Just letting yourself feel…What are you feeling right now?"

I shrugged, even though I knew what I was feeling. I felt, "Relieved." Relieved that I was still capable of feeling something. Relieved that she was still here. Relieved that I was not fucking this up. Relieved that all of those things, those demons from my past that were haunting me were finally out.

She nodded and was about to kiss me again when she stopped short and let a finger rest on my chin saying, "I love you, too, you know."

When she kissed me this time, I was thinking back to before. I was thinking about last year when I came back for her. I was remembering this: The way she looked in that dress as she was backing away from me and I was thinking somewhere in the back of my mind that this could be love.

My lips moved from her mouth to her neck. I could not tell her the intense mixture of arousal and affection I felt when she moaned lightly and the vibrations were sent through her throat and against my lips. I could not tell her that I liked to keep my eyes open as I did this to watch her face as her eyes moved beneath their lids and her mouth parted and her cheeks turned an impossible shade of crimson.

I stopped because I couldn't control myself for much longer. When her eyes opened, I asked her, "You're not disappointed? I'm not letting you down?"

She stared at me and I saw the question being turned over in her mind a few times. She was shaking her head slowly and then she closed her eyes tightly for a second before opening them and saying, "Jess, I just think- no, I know- that you are smarter than anyone. You should've been going to school. You should've been passing." She paused to consider her words. "I'm disappointed, but you're not letting me down."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"I'm disappointed that you aren't going to graduate. I'm disappointed that you weren't going to school. But, I also sort of knew…that this would happen."

"So, you just expected me to let you down?" I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the chair. I wanted to stand up, but she was still on my lap and I didn't want to lose contact with her. I wanted to keep her warmth and her weight against me.

"That's not what I mean. I knew you were going to do what you do…I just…I want you to be happy. I don't think you are happy." She pressed her lips against my cheek and let them drag across my skin. "Do I make you happy?"

I was looking at her mouth when she asked me this. "Yes." I kissed her hard then, harder than I'd ever kissed her. I was usually gentle, because I thought she wanted me to be that way. I always allowed her to set the pace. This time I took control. I pulled her up from the chair and walked her over to the bed without removing my mouth from hers.

When her legs hit the side of the bed, she stopped suddenly. She looked me in the eyes as she slipped off her jacket and said, "I didn't make a mistake."

She meant that choosing me was not a mistake. It was right. At some point, I had myself convinced that she regretted the entire thing. I was so sure she looked at me and thought she was wasting her time.

She was the one to push me down on the bed. She was the one to take the initiative. She was the one to place her hand on my belt buckle.

I was the one to stop her. I was the one to raise a cautious hand. I was the one to grab her wrist as she touched the metal of my belt lightly and hesitantly. I was the one to say, "Rory…Here? Right now?"

She nodded emphatically and took off my belt. "You said you were probably going to leave soon." I didn't know if this was a joke. She noticed my puzzled look and said, "I want this. I promise. I talked to my mom about it a couple of weeks ago…Just…" She kissed me softly and slowly and her tongue slid across my teeth.

"We could go back to the apartment. Luke's with Nicole tonight…" I could tell by the way she was kissing me that she wouldn't want to relocate now. I didn't want to either, but it seemed like the appropriate thing to do. She didn't let her mouth relent, it was working its way along my jaw line. "This shouldn't happen here in some random bedroom. Come on." I tried to pull her up, taking her hand and moving my face away from her mouth.

She moaned in protest and tried to kiss me again. "Here is fine. Please.."

"Here is not fine. Here, we'll have to be quick and leave afterwards and it won't be…At the apartment, you can stay the night if you want and we won't have to worry about somebody walking in. It will be infinitely better at the apartment."

I was standing by the bed, watching her body which remained stretched out on the bed. Her eyes were closed and her lips were swollen and red. The sight caused something to turn inside of me and I almost lost my resolve. I sat down and leaned down next to her with my head resting on my hand. I whispered into her ear with my lips close enough to her skin that it wasn't touching, but she could feel it, "Come on, beautiful." I took her hand once more and this time she didn't resist.

I pulled her effortlessly from the bed and handed her jacket to her. She took it and mumbled something under her breath. Something impossibly crude. Something that would otherwise have never even formed in her head, much less come out of her mouth. Something along the lines of, "You better be able to turn me on like that in ten minutes."

We walked down the street, not touching. I was rethinking this entire thing. She was focusing on her shoes, possibly rethinking this, but judging by her earlier comment, she was probably trying to retain the spark that had existed at the party. I wanted to hold her hand, but she kept pushing them into her jacket pockets.

We were silent until we got to the door. She said to me as I unlocked the door, "I wanted you back then. Before I even kissed you. When I first met you, or at least shortly after that. You were so…" She stopped and kissed me as I pushed open the door. She pushed my jacket from my shoulders and I did the same for her. We somehow made it up the stairs without breaking contact.

When her hands found places they had been searching for the entire night, I turned off the light by my bed and let her take control. I didn't tell her that I'd only done this once before, and this was years ago, with a girl I barely felt a thing for, but she thought it would be a good cure for boredom. It wasn't and I never touched her again. I didn't tell her as she slowly undressed in front of me (surprisingly, this was the only time throughout the entire night that she seemed at all timid) that I wasn't as experienced as she probably thought I was. I was going to fumble through this just as she was. I was sure she just assumed I knew what I was doing and I didn't want to tell her otherwise for fear that she would lose this edge. For fear that she would suddenly become abashed. I liked her this way, confident and daring.

We didn't fumble at all, though. We moved expertly together, slowly and surely. She only winced in pain once and I immediately stopped moving and said, "Shit. Are you okay?" She nodded and I continued even though her face was still twisted with pain.

In the end, she held me. I felt like I might cry again and I gently nibbled on the skin of her shoulder to stop the tears from forming. She gasped as my teeth met her skin and I murmured a, "Sorry." and let my eyes close. She pulled away from me to look at my face. It was then that I cried again. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I did know that it had started somewhere at the foot of those stairs or somewhere in the pane of that bedroom window.

I told her then, my voice tinged with a shaking desperation, a faltering sense of love, "I'm so goddamn lost, Rory."

I wasn't even sure what that meant, myself. Was I lost literally? Had I been dislocated so severely that I didn't know where to turn? Or was I lost within myself somehow? Lost in my anger and my sadness and my homelessness and my loneliness? I couldn't tell. I had no sense of anything. No sense of home or family. Not even a sense of happiness. I wanted so badly for her to be enough to make it better. She wasn't.

I fell asleep, moaning incomprehensibly against the palm of her hand.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Part deux. Two things: One, I really dislike the title I've given this piece, but I have no other title ideas so it stays. Two, I feel like parts of this chapter are strong and parts are not so strong. Three, (yeah, I said there were two, but there are three) I guess this will have another part. It kind of has to. I can't just have him going off to California and then no follow up. So, I'll deal with California and then it will probably be done. And so on that note, here it is. Later: Uh, reading over this again I realized there was a major flaw in that I never had Jess explain to Rory where he was going or why. So, I just added a little bit to it to solve that problem.

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I woke up the next morning and she was gone. I didn't panic. I simply turned over and put my face into the pillow and screamed. Of course she wasn't upset. Of course she hadn't run off because she realized what a mistake it was. She left because it was almost twelve and she couldn't stay in bed with me all day. 

The note went like this:

_Jess,_

_Sorry I'm not here. You wouldn't wake up and you were finally sleeping peacefully. Did you know that almost half of the night you were talking in your sleep? You kept saying something about your dad or just moaning. Don't worry. I didn't mind staying up and watching you. Anyway, I'll probably see you later today._

_Rory_

And then there was empty space until at the very bottom of the scrap of paper she wrote:

_I love you._

I had dreamt of my father. Having never known his face, he appeared as a shadow. A shape made of darkness that stood before me without saying a word. I was desperate for a home in the dream, begging him. I kept saying, "Just let me stay. Just…" He remained silent and I could smell saltwater in the air though we were surrounded by nothing but an infinite whiteness. Suddenly, he was replaced by Luke and we were in the diner. He said to me as he placed a pencil behind his ear, "You don't need him." To which I replied with an unfailing insistence, "I do. I need to know him." And I remembered drowning, the saltwater I had smelled before was hitting the back of my throat and it stung. I still felt that sting when I awoke the next morning.

I didn't actually get out of bed for another hour, not until Luke came barreling up the stairs. He burst through the door, yelling. "Jess!"

I sat up slightly and looked at him. "What do you want? Do you have to yell like that? Jeez."

"Why did I come up here this morning to find you half naked in bed and Rory coming out of the shower?"

I sighed. "Luke, calm down." I threw him a look. "You didn't see her naked, did you?" When his face burned red, I decided to tell him the truth, for unknown reasons. "Yes, we slept together. No, I didn't force myself on her. Yes, we were perfectly safe."

He stood there, blinking rapidly as he looked down at me. "I can't believe you!" He threw his hands up in the air for dramatic effect.

"Seriously, Luke. It was bound to happen sooner or later. We both decided that now was the time. I wouldn't have done it if she didn't want it…She practically forced it on me." I was smirking at how uncomfortable this was obviously making him.

"Jess…"

I conceded and said to him, "Luke, it's okay. We were ready for it."

He gave a short laugh and then his face turned serious again. "You love her?" He said this with a tone of warning.

I merely nodded in response. A slow, solemn nod. And he walked back out of the apartment.

I thought about the dream I had for the entirety of the day. I kept replaying it in my mind. The shadow of my father looking down at me as I pleaded with him, Luke's face when he told me I didn't need my father, the hopelessness I felt as the water consumed me. I took numerous breaks that day, just to go to the bathroom and put my face in my hands. Just to look in the mirror and be sure I was still there. I had this overwhelming feeling that I was disappearing.

This mood was not helped by a man who decided he wanted to live and die in the diner. He took over table six and refused to leave. He sat there, drinking coffee for hours it seemed. His presence was off putting. He kept watching me as I moved around the diner. Eventually, he vanished and I was grateful. Of course he didn't leave a tip.

Rory came to the diner just before the funeral for Fran Weston. She was wearing a somber black dress and when she saw me behind the counter she smiled through the window. I smiled back and she came into the diner, the bell on the door ringing to announce her presence. She kissed me across the counter. I felt her teeth against my mouth as she started to smile halfway through the kiss.

"How are you?" But, this was not just a casual greeting. This was a serious inquiry regarding my current mental state.

I hesitated, eyeing the curtain that led to the apartment. I told her in a low voice, "I had a dream about my dad last night. I…It was strange."

I heard Luke coming down the stairs and stopped talking immediately. He was adjusting his tie and he smiled gently at Rory. "Hey, Rory." His voice, however, was ridden with awkwardness as he was no doubt thinking about the fact that last night I had sex with this girl in his apartment.

She was oblivious. "Hey, Luke. Going to the funeral?"

"Yeah. Just about to head on over."

"Me, too." She looked back at me, concern flashing through her eyes.

Luke noticed and said, "Well, I'll see you there." And walked out the door.

She had my hand in hers on the counter and was watching our fingers coming together. "Tell me about the dream."

I brought my free hand up to my forehead and rubbed vigorously. "There was a beach and he was there. I was begging him to let me stay, but he didn't say anything and then Luke was there, saying that I didn't need my father. I kept saying that I needed to know him…It was…I don't know what it was, to be honest." I let out a breath, closing my eyes and bringing my other hand to hers.

"It sounds to me like you just want to meet your dad, get to know him. Not that you want him to be your father. You just…want to understand him." She said it easily as though it were completely obvious.

I shook my head. "Maybe you're right…I don't know."

She kissed me saying, "I love you." before her mouth had completely left mine.

After she left, I went upstairs. I saw the light on the answering machine blinking and without a thought pressed the play button.

The voice that filled the room was an unfamiliar one and I froze in the middle of the apartment as I listened. The voice said: "Luke. It's Jimmy. Uh, I was just calling to apologize for even coming here in the first place, for wanting to see my son. What a ridiculous idea, right? Wanting to see the son I never knew? You're right. I'm a loser. So, I'm going back to California. You don't even have to tell him I was here, if you don't want to."

And then he hung up with the loud sound of plastic against plastic as he slammed the phone into its cradle. I almost fell over, but I somehow managed to steady myself. I was breathing heavily and I quickly sat down at the kitchen table. Why everything was happening all at once, was beyond me. I felt a pressure pushing down on me, causing a headache to form behind my eyes.

I hated Luke at that moment. I hated him for keeping this from me, for not letting me have the chance to see my father. It wasn't his place to make these decisions for me. I had to find out for myself just what sort of loser my father really was. I hated him too. Jimmy. I hadn't known his name, not until now. My mother never talked about him or mentioned his name. When I would ask about him, she would start to cry. So, I learned not to bring it up.

I went back down to the diner, hoping to find something to preoccupy myself with. I took a walk. Really, I walked across the square to the church to wait for the funeral to end. I sat on the church steps and let the hopelessness consume me. No, it wasn't hopelessness, it was something else. It was the burden of so many unanswered questions that was weighing down on me. I let it push and push until my hands started to shake and I fumbled in my jacket pocket for cigarettes I knew weren't there anymore.

He was the first one out and I stopped him before he could make it down three steps. I stood in his way and said, "So, had any surprise visits lately?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," he said and tried to walk past me, but I blocked him again.

"You do know what I'm talking about. My father was here. Don't you think I deserve to know when my father shows up? Don't you think I have a right to see him?"

"Jess, you don't need to see him. He's nothing but a loser who abandoned you. I didn't want him to cause any more trouble for you. I just wanted him to leave."

"Well, gee, thanks. Thanks for asking me what I thought about it." I shoved my hands in my pockets and turned away from him.

I was halfway across the street when he called out to me again, "Jess." I turned around just to roll my eyes at him and continue walking.

Rory ran up to me then, her hand reaching out for my arm. "Jess, what's going on?"

"Nothing." I shrugged her hand off of my arm and walked faster.

"Jess…"

I stopped short and turned to her, "It's nothing, Rory. Just leave me alone. It doesn't concern you."

I started walking again and she didn't follow.

I entered the apartment with an anger I had never known. It was the anger of all eighteen years of my life finally coming to a boiling point. I found my duffel bag and started shoving things into it. I didn't even bother to look at what I was shoving into it, just anything that was in my way.

When I had finished, I sat down on the bed and ran my hands over my face. I looked up and Luke was standing over me, hands on his hips.

"So, what? You're leaving?"

I was silent.

"Fine. Leave. Go after your jackass father. Although, I wouldn't even use that word to describe him." He clarified, "Father, that is. I would definitely describe him as a jackass."

I looked down at the floor. "You should probably know that I'm not going to graduate."

"Big surprise," he snorted.

"Why is this such a big deal to you?"

"Because, Jess, you're running off to see the father who left you when you were born! Does that seem like the smart thing to do? He could care less about you. He's a loser, Jess. You don't need him in your life."

I closed my eyes, hearing my dream from the previous night echoing in my head. "I just want to know him, ask him the questions I've had in my head for years." I was speaking slowly and softly.

"Fine! Go to California!"

I was beginning to think that his anger had little to do with me going to California. I was beginning to think that it had little to do with me at all. I laughed. "Are you jealous?"

He looked away and started wringing his hands. "No, I'm not jealous. What do I have to be jealous about?"

"I think you're afraid Jimmy's going to replace you as my father figure. I think you're afraid I won't come back." I grinned at him. "I think you're going to miss me."

"I am definitely not going to miss you. In fact, I'm going to celebrate once you're gone." He paused and now it was his turn to grin at me. "You think of me as a father figure?"

I looked down at my bag and started to throw more random items into it. "I should probably get going. I think there's a bus at 7:30 that I can take."

"You do. You want me to be your daddy." His grin had turned into outright laughter.

"Plus, I should probably talk to Rory about this."

I picked up the bag and slung it over my shoulder. Before I made it to the door, Luke stopped me with a hand on my shoulder. I turned to face him.

He said with his gruff, stiff voice, "Hey, come back, alright? Do what you have to do, but come back."

I nodded. "Yeah. Sure."

I turned to leave again and again he stopped me. This time with his voice not his hand. "And, hey, Jess? I…Nah, forget it."

"Sentimental moments really aren't our thing, huh?"

"Not at all." But, before I could turn towards the door once more, he grabbed me by the arm and pulled me into a rough hug. I didn't react at first, but soon I let my hands pat him awkwardly on the back. He released me and said, "Let's not do that again."

"Agreed."

I walked to her house, watching my feet the entire time. I was marveling at their ability to move one in front of the other while my brain was thinking of anything but walking. There were no cars in front of her house, but I knocked on the door with hopes that her mother was gone and she was here alone. She was and she opened the door wearing pajamas. I smiled at her, but it faltered when I saw her glance at my duffel bag.

"Oh," she said and turned from the door, leaving it open as her invitation to me. I sighed and crossed the threshold.

I tossed the bag in the corner by the door and found her in her bedroom. She was folding clothes and putting them in her dresser. "Laundry night?"

She didn't smile or acknowledge me in any way besides looking at me as she walked back across the room to the pile of fresh laundry. I saw tears on her face, but didn't hear any noise nor did I see her face contort in any way that would indicate she was actually crying. But, there were tears. And she wasn't wiping them away. She let them fall onto her clothes. She let them drip down to her chin.

I finally moved into the room, a great amount of effort being needed to push myself off of the doorjamb. I touch her face gently and she didn't pull away like I expected. She turned into my hand and buried her face there, pressing her forehead against my rough palm. I brought my other hand up and touched her hair. She moved closer to me, her body against mine, her weight leaning on me. Her arms went around my waist. I felt her voice against my chest then, "Where?"

"California. My dad. He was here…I just…" I saw his shadow then, the form of darkness that he came in. It saw it in the mirror over her dresser. I closed my eyes.

"I get it, Jess."

I said softly, "It's only temporary. I'm coming back. Just for the summer, maybe."

She didn't look up at me. She buried her face in my chest and started to cry loudly. It frightened me and I pressed my hands against the small of her back as some sort of comfort. She was trying to speak, tears and the fabric of my shirt muffling her voice, "I know you'll come back. I just…Why now? Why…now?"

She finally looked up at me and spoke more clearly, "Things are good now. I was so afraid before that they wouldn't be. That you would continue to be distant and cold and not tell me things. I was so afraid that I had made a huge mistake, choosing you. But, then the other night happened and I realized that I shouldn't be afraid. And now, you're leaving and I can't help but be a little afraid that you won't come back."

"I came back before, didn't I?" I kissed her lightly. She pressed harder, though. The kiss became desperate and full of longing.

"I love you," she let it out with a breath when she pulled away.

I kissed her again. "I love you, too."

"When are you leaving?" Sadness crept back into her voice when she asked this question.

"Soon. Tonight. I came here to say goodbye." Her face began to crinkle up as though she were going to cry. "Just for a little while."

"So, what? Do we break up?" She asked, sniffling slightly.

I laughed out loud at this. "No. Definitely not." I eyed her. "Unless you want to…"

"I don't. I'll wait." She kissed me and our mouths lingered together, unmoving, for a few seconds.

The sound of the door pulled us from our embrace. The sound of her mother's voice came from the foyer, "Rory? You here?"

She walked into the kitchen and peered into the bedroom. She saw us there, standing close to each other, Rory with her tear soaked face, me with my hands on her waist. "Oh, Jess. Hi. I didn't realize you were…And that you guys…Okay. I'm just going to go, uh, do some…gardening. Outside, away from…Okay." And with that she walked out of the house.

I groaned. "Oh, God. Did you tell her?"

"Of course, I told her."

"Jeez…"

"You know, one of the advantages of telling your mother about your sex life is that she is much more accommodating when it comes to things of that nature…" She had a coy smile on her face as she brought it closer to mine.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah." And once again, she kissed me hard on the mouth. This time her hands were under my shirt before I had a chance to respond to the kiss. Her fingernails trailed along the bare skin of my back and I instinctively pulled her closer to me, pressing the length of her body against mine.

As we fell back onto the bed, I noticed the clock. "Shit," I mumbled against her mouth.

"What?" She was out of breath and I kissed her again.

"The bus leaves in half an hour…"

"Plenty of time." Her mouth found my neck and I felt her tongue against my skin.

I pushed her away, despite what my body was telling me at the time. "No, Rory, as much as I want to do this right now…I have to catch my bus."

"Leave tomorrow morning." She had her hand on my thigh. I looked at it and tried to ignore the feeling of desire that was burning in the pit of my stomach. She looked at me and pouted. "Please?"

"Okay."

I spent the night in her bed. A bed that is entirely too small for two people. She had one leg thrown across me and her body close to mine. At some point in the night, I heard her mother peek in and I tried not to move or breathe. I thanked myself for having covered my body sufficiently with the blanket. I heard her mother sigh and walk into the kitchen.

I didn't know why I was getting up, but I felt compelled to. I got out of bed and slipped on my pants and shirt. I walked quietly out of the room so as not to disturb Rory.

Lorelai was sitting at the kitchen table, staring down into her mug filled with coffee. She heard my feet shuffling against the floor and looked up at me.

I scratched my head and said, "Uh, so this is awkward, huh?"

"Oh yeah." She wasn't looking at me, not wanting to see her daughter's boyfriend so shortly after he had slept with said daughter.

I sat at the table across from her. I folded my hands in front of me and focused my attention on them.

"You want some coffee?"

I shook my head. "I'm not a big coffee drinker." We were talking softly and I glanced into the dark bedroom to see if Rory had woken up at all. I could see the lump that was her body and it remained in the position I had left it in.

"Look, Jess, I don't really know what to say here…."

"Yeah, me neither." I shifted in my chair, wishing I had taken the coffee. It would've given me something to do with my hands. Something to preoccupy me.

"Do you love her? I mean, she told me you did, but I want to hear it come from you."

I met her eyes. "I love her." I put my face in my hands and breathed loudly. "It's liberating, you know? I mean, so much of my life was spent fighting the act of feeling anything at all. And now…I'm…" I let out a laugh. "I'm sitting in my girlfriend's kitchen at three in the morning talking to her mother about love…"

"I know we haven't always gotten along, but you make her so happy. And here's a huge boost to your ego, I'm sure, I think you make her happier than Dean ever did. Maybe it's a different sort of happy, but she comes home from being with you and just smiles." She reached across the table and placed a hand on my forearm. It wasn't uncomfortable. Her touch was warm and gentle and the sort of touch you expect from a mother. The sort of touch I never received from my own mother. "You make Luke happy, too." She paused, thinking for a moment. "Wow."

"Wow what?"

"Nothing…Just…I realized you make two of the most important people in my life happy and here I am spending so much time hating you."

I stared down at my lap. "I don't blame you for hating me. As happy as I make Rory and Luke, I also put them through a lot of shit."

She nodded smugly. "This is true."

There was an awkward pause then. I was watching her face and she was looking down at her hands. I said, "I'm leaving tomorrow."

"Oh?"

"For California. That's where my dad is…" She still looked slightly confused, so I continued to explain. "The dad I never knew, who abandoned me. I guess this is sort of a self discovery thing."

She smiled warmly at me. "Well, good…That's good, Jess." Then, her smile fell. "Have you told Rory?"

"Yeah. She was upset, but she understands."

"That's Rory."

I nodded in agreement. "I should get back to bed. Got a big day ahead of me."

"Oh, yeah. Sure. It was good talking to you like this, Jess."

I smiled at her and went back into the bedroom, closing the door quietly behind me. I crawled back into bed, but couldn't fall asleep. The possibilities of the following day loomed outside of her window along with the moon and I concentrated on the light reflecting against her hair and eyes. She stirred a bit when she felt my weight on the bed, but her eyes remained closed. I pressed my lips softly against her bare shoulder.

In the morning, she was awake before me again. Only this time she didn't leave. I woke up to find her propped up on her elbow, watching my face. She said, "Good morning, sunshine." And then she frowned a little. "Your eyes move a lot when you're sleeping. What do you dream about?"

I turned on my side so I was facing her. "Rainbows." And I smiled fully at her as she laughed. "So, no talking or incoherent moaning in my sleep last night?"

"Not to my knowledge."

"Good." I stretched and then got out of bed. She was looking at me strangely. "What?"

"Why are you fully dressed?"

I looked down and suddenly remembered last night's rendezvous with her mother. "I got up last night and thought it would be wise to be dressed before leaving the room." And then, "I was thirsty." To clarify my reasons for being up.

She walked me to the bus station despite my pleas for her to stay home. I didn't want to drag this goodbye out. In fact, I didn't want to say goodbye at all. I told her this and she asked me why, to which I responded, "Well, last time I left without saying goodbye you came after me."

"Yeah, I might come after you anyway. Don't let LA swallow you whole." She was leaning against me as we waited for the bus.

"I'll try not to."

The bus pulled up and she looked at me sadly. "Call me. Write me. Whatever. Just…don't disappear."

I didn't kiss her. I pulled her to me and held her tightly for a few seconds, trying to memorize the feel of her body against mine, the way she smelled, the rise and fall of her chest as she breathed. I let her go and said, "Look, Rory, I love you." I had a hold of her hand and I watched it as a squeezed it too tight. "Too much, probably. I just…Don't be afraid that I won't come back. I will. I promise."

She merely nodded and watched as I got on the bus. I did the clichéd thing. I watched her from the window as she slowly diminished into a unrecognizable blur of colors. When she was finally gone, I turned to the book in my hands and tried to read. But, I was thinking about California. I was thinking about my father. About the family he might have there. About the life he has there. I was thinking about what would happen once I got there. The truth was, I was terrified.


End file.
